The “Usefulness” Factor

Guest post by Karen Brauer – Thank you!

When a child is asked, “what do you want to be when you grow up,” the expected response has to do with a career. Many adults equate who they are with what they do for a living. Nobody blinks when they hear, “I am a lawyer”, rather than, “I work at a law firm as one of the partners.”

But what happens when you can no longer manage a paying job? Do you suffer from an identity crisis? Are you not you any more?

I was fortunate enough to be raised with the knowledge that a person is more than what they do for a living, handy when you end up changing careers several times. But I was also brought up with the belief that once you are of legal age, you become self-sufficient, holding down a job no matter what its status (stay at home parents also qualify). In other words, you earn your keep.

So when it became apparent that I would not recover sufficiently from my ailments to return to my job, I became depressed. Oh, I had no illusions that the world of newspaper publishing would suffer from my absence, but I definitely felt guilty about no longer being able to earn my keep, financially speaking. And I could not even do enough around the house to qualify for the old-fashioned title of housewife. I did some talk therapy sessions with a clinical psychologist and discovered that what I needed was a new sense of purpose apart from a paying job.

I refer to this as the “usefulness” factor. It is much easier to derive satisfaction in life if you feel you contribute meaningfully in some way. This can be quite a challenge if, prior to the circumstances that sidelined your career, you were accustomed to saving/changing lives or were incredibly physically active.

Sometimes you can maintain a career from your own home, such as on the computer or as a consultant on the phone. Sometimes you just need to stop and re-think the whole idea of being useful. The question of “why am I here?” seems to become magnified when you become confined to a small physical space with others doing all the things you used to do for yourself.

But that does not mean you have become useless. It is very easy to fall into the trap of believing that, especially when people say things like, “it must be so nice to be home all the time and do nothing!” It is not particularly nice to have no impressive answer when people ask what you do all day, but if you are able to ignore that and realize that everyone is on this earth for a reason, you are on your way to finding a new sense of purpose. Maybe not a financial one, but perhaps a spiritual one, which is even more important.

One thing that helped me was creating a daily routine as though I did have a job. My new “job” would be primarily keeping myself as healthy as possible, whether physically, mentally, spiritually. The days seem a lot less endless and pointless if you make appointments with yourself to do whatever needs to be done.

Your schedule doesn’t have to rigid or taxing. You can start with deciding when to start your day and when during that day you will do your essentials such as medication or other prescribed treatments, your meals and when your bedtime should be. Once you’ve figured those out, plan some time for brain exercise and body exercise, whatever are within your capability. If you have something important to do that day like a phone call, set a specific time frame for that. And have some sort of goal, something that is not essential but would be nice to accomplish, so that you get the feeling you are working toward something. If you don’t reach your goal, don’t give up but try again another time.

For example, my days include reading the local newspaper to exercise my brain and give me some topics of conversation with others. I take showers when possible and try to do mild non-impact exercise when I can get out of bed, but I don’t berate myself if these don’t happen. I am usually capable of feeding myself and keeping the dishes clean, so I do that daily. Because I can no longer do any other house or yard work, I took over all the household finances and tax filing (using software and a calculator). I can no longer do most errands outside the house, so I take care of important phone calls and family correspondence. My optional goals are usually something computer related, like writing an article or editing a photo album or burning a music CD.

If, like me, you suffer from extreme fatigue, cognitive dysfunction and/or chronic pain, pacing becomes something you work into your daily routine. I record movies and watch them in small pieces so that I don’t get stiff from sitting in one position too long or brain overloaded. I might read one section of the newspaper, then take a break. Computer time ideally is spent in small bursts too, perhaps with multiple sessions and with the most mentally challenging tasks done during the time of day when alertness is at its peak. And if you need to, schedule some time each day for prayer, meditation or just to rest your brain and body. It is that rest time that those who work outside the home envy. In that sense, those of us home all day do have an advantage in that we have more opportunity to balance rest and activity, something which helps me have some peace of mind.

As for what particular activity at home will help you have a sense of purpose, that is something you will have to discover for yourself. Focus on your talents, not just what you used to do to earn money. Perhaps you are artistic but never got around to exploring that side of yourself? Or some aspect of your career can be re-imagined, like creating a blog about your profession. Or if you have become particularly knowledgeable about your medical condition, consider joining online support groups (or even creating one) where you can share what you have learned with the newly diagnosed and providing emotional guidance for those who are having a hard time. You could even become a spokesperson about your condition to educate the public at large.

It is important that you not compare yourself to what you used to be able to do and what everyone else seems to be doing. It is possible to find small things rewarding, like getting a few answers right while watching a game show or learning what types of birds you see outside your window each day. For instance, I recently finished reading a pile of magazines, tiny bits at a time, that had been piling up for almost two years; no big deal to most people, but I was pleased with myself.

If you can ask yourself, “am I doing the best I can with what I have to work with?” and the answer is “yes”, then you have found your usefulness factor. Keeping yourself as functional as possible will go a long way with you being at peace with your situation. Most of the time now, I feel I earn my keep, just in a new and different way than before. And everyone wants to feel like they are good for something, don’t they?

- Karen

Karen Brauer is 45 and lives in South Dakota, USA with her husband. She first became ill in 1997 with Sjogren’s syndrome, fibromyalgia and other ailments. She has been partially housebound since 2005. Her many interests include music, movies, books, photography, writing and social networking.

Photo credits to Oldmaison and Nancy/ecosense. Thank you.